


Anytime

by Caedmon



Series: Amelioration in Budapest [4]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Angsty Schmoop, F/M, Natasha Feels, Natasha Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 01:20:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2090364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/pseuds/Caedmon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha does some deep thinking about her feelings prior to Clint's arrival.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anytime

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last bit of buildup. The next chapter is where the real meat begins. 
> 
> This story may or may not earn a rating. I haven't decided....input would be appreciated.

Natasha had never dated. Any dates she had ever been on had been work related and certainly not for her pleasure. She and Clint had gone out a handful of times - he would take her somewhere that had been considered a western extravagance when she was young and she’d never experienced it, or maybe they’d go to a movie every now and then. Once he took her to the ballet for her birthday. Well, the day they celebrated as her birthday…it was actually the anniversary of the day he’d brought her into SHIELD instead of killing her. And it was the day after tomorrow. _Fun. What great timing._ She sighed.

But those things weren’t dates. She and Clint weren’t a couple. There wasn’t any romance. There wasn’t any love. Not from Clint anyway.

Natasha sighed again and looked at her phone for the umpteenth time, then looked around her kitchen. She felt stupid, having done anything for him, no matter how small. He would know it was for him, he always picked up on things like that. She wondered briefly if she should put away the Colombian coffee and muffins she had bought last night for this little meeting this morning and prepare to give him the cold shoulder, or if she could pass off the things she’d gotten as simple hospitality. The debate she’d been having with herself since Steve called her started back in earnest. Should she let him say whatever he felt like saying, ignoring all of it, then tell him what a bastard he is and kick him out? Should he let him say what he needed to say, tell him she forgave him but she never wanted to see him again? Should she listen to him, forgive him, tell him how SHE felt then tell him she was leaving forever before he got the chance to say another word? Should she lay it all out there? Should she refuse to see him at all? 

_God, I can’t do this._ Natasha Romanov, the Black Widow, world-renowned for being fearless in the face of danger, sat in the chair of her kitchen table and buried her face in her hands. _I can’t do this. I have to send him away._ She stood up after a minute and went to the counter, grabbing the bag of Colombian coffee and taking a deep, steadying breath. 

He had told her the night before how much he had missed her, how he’d wanted her. Natasha had no frame of reference when it came to romance, she didn’t know what love looked or sounded like, but she knew that she had missed him and wanted him, too. She didn’t trust him, though. She wanted so much to believe him, but she couldn’t let herself believe that. Allowing herself to be held and touched by him, to feel his strong arms around her again, to smell his masculine Clint-smell, all of that was an indulgence she’d allowed herself momentarily. She had been weak, but being so close to him, his scent surrounding her, his blue eyes looking up at her and the way his blond hair kicked up in the front like that…she’d just been weak. 

But Natasha hadn’t been completely weak, and she hadn’t completely fallen apart. she and eventually been able to shut it down - mostly, and at least outwardly. She had no idea why she’d let him hold her hand. Just that little bit of contact had broken down her determination to tell him to get out. When she opened her mouth to tell him to leave Budapest and never come back, she told him to come see her in the morning instead. _What the hell, Natasha?_

She was definitely weak. He made her weak. All of this time to think had made her vulnerable. She’d spent the entire time wondering if he thought about her at all, if she should go back to New York and try to repair their friendship again. Every few days, she’d steeled herself to never go back to New York, to just start a brand new life in Europe. Then she’d have the dream.

Natasha sat back down and rubbed her hands across her eyes, covering them, fighting the tears that always accompanied the dream. The dream was really a nightmare, and it haunted her.

In the dream, she was back in New York fighting alongside Cap and Clint during the battle with the chitauri. Tony took off with Clint to the roof of that building to watch out for the chitauri and help coordinate the defensive strategy. Except Tony didn’t stop at the roof of the building, he kept going straight to the wormhole with Clint in tow. She screamed for them to stop, but Tony said Clint had to shoot the mother ship with one of his arrows in order to stop the battle. She begged and pleaded, but they ignored her. Then they were falling back through the wormhole to earth and Hulk caught them, tossing them roughly to the ground. They both looked dead and she leaned over Clint, screaming, begging him to come back, not to be dead and not to leave her, crying his name, and the Hulk roared but he didn’t wake up when Tony did. 

Natasha always woke up crying out for Clint, sobbing and determined to make things right even if it destroyed her. And she always called Tony as soon as she calmed down, asking if everything was okay there. Tony was no fool; he knew exactly what she was asking. He always assured her that everyone was just fine and asked if she was ready to come home yet. After the dream she always wanted to say yes, but never did. She wasn’t ready to face Clint again.

It would take days after the dream to work herself back to the point of deciding to walk away from New York, the Avengers and Clint. She would remind herself constantly of the pain he had caused her and the fact that she didn’t want that again. She’d be determined to never go back, and make plans for a life in Europe, then the dream would come again and she’d be back to wanting to fly to New York. It was truly a vicious cycle, and Budapest was a limbo she felt stuck in.

This time, though, the dream didn’t come. Clint did.

~*~

Clint had touched her more the night before and more intimately than he ever had. Even the few times they’d had sex, the intimacy had been carnal. This felt different. He’d never touched her this way or called her “sweetheart” unless the mission they were on called for it. She loved those missions because she got to play-act what it would be like to be his. That’s what it felt like last night - but there was no audience. They weren’t trying to fool anyone. Could he be genuine? Could he have been truly missing her? Or was _she_ the audience?

Steve had tipped her off that Clint was coming, and he’d had plenty to say about it. She knew he was not a fan of Clint’s treatment of her, even though Steve had no idea what Clint had actually said. She tried to stay objective. She’d called Tony when she got back to the safe house after meeting with Clint and asked him what the deal was; he’d assured her that psych had cleared Clint with flying colors and that he had passed the FBI’s best lie detector, and their top interrogators hadn’t had any qualms that he was being honest. Tony himself felt good about Clint’s intentions, and he urged Natasha to give Clint a chance and hear him out. 

Could Clint mean what he was saying? Could he have missed her and wanted her? 

Could he possibly love her?

  ~*~

[CLINT] 7:48am - be there in 5mins. hands full, bringing a prize. :) meet me @ door? }—>

Natasha smiled at the little arrow for just a moment, then her brows furrowed. A prize? What does that mean? Knowing Clint, there was no telling. _It’s not like he ever really knew me anyway,_ she thought bitterly.

No. No, we’re not going to get anything accomplished like that. She didn’t have to roll out the red carpet per se, but she needed to be fair. She definitely needed to be on her guard, but she didn’t need to be a jerk. This day could be the turning point of her life. 

She stood up and walked over to the counter, taking one last, long look at the coffee, biting her lip. After a moment she picked it up and opened the cabinet door, lifting it to put it away, but her arm stopped in midair. She bit her lip again, then sighed and started a pot before walking towards the door to meet Clint.

**Author's Note:**

> "Anytime"  
> by Bryan McKnight
> 
> I can't remember why we fell apart  
> From something that was so meant to be, yeah  
> Forever was the promise in our hearts  
> Now, more and more I wonder where you are  
> [Chorus]  
> Do I ever cross your mind, anytime  
> Do you ever wake up reaching out for me  
> Do I ever cross your mind anytime  
> I miss you  
> Still have your picture in a frame  
> Hear your footsteps down the hall  
> I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane  
> How I wish that you would call  
> To say  
> [Chorus]  
> I miss you  
> I miss you  
> (No more) loneliness and heartache  
> (No more) crying myself to sleep  
> (Don't want no more) wondering about tomorrow  
> Won't you come back to me  
> Come back to me, oh  
> 


End file.
